I am a hoarder. I am not a dirty hoarder, filling my home from floor to ceiling with other people’s trash. I am not a hoarder of items acquired over the years. I am a hoarder of things past, of shadows in my mind; I am a hoarder of transgressions against me, of guilt ridden trips to a place I call “Yesteryear”. I have been excused from my families lives; I have been wiped clear of their memories. I have swept my broken heart under the proverbial rug in an effort to move beyond the clutter left within the walls of my wounded soul. I have picked myself up and dusted myself off and have become a better person than they could have envisioned in the wake of their departure.
I have forgiven, but I have yet to forget. To forget would mean to allow the same hardships back into my life. I do not dwell on the loss of those whom should have never walked away, those family members who were entrusted to love and guide me, those friendships I could have never seen broken, no matter how many times they were dropped. I have cleared them from the pain drawer of my mind, one corner at a time. In doing so I have been able to continue my walk without them, I have been able to create a new world, a new truth and a new life for myself.
The winds blow and past hurts do tend to peer through the cracked door from time to time. It occurs to me today that this is only because I have kept others in my life who do not have my best intentions at heart; I have held tight to relationships and hoarded the hurts they have caused in the recess of my soul, hoping my love for them could eventually bring to light the friendships and/or family loyalty I have felt for them all of these years. The question occurs to me, how many times can I allow someone to hurt me through their obvious lack of loyalty where I am concerned?
As I sweep out the old, cleaning the cobwebs from my life and the hurt from my heart – I have to also question if I am perhaps a tad-bit sensitive because of issues I feel I have worked though emotionally, when in fact they are still hunched over monster-like in the depths of my darkened mind. I guess only time will tell. Only the changing tide within can wash away the deception. Only I can clear the air of my present and future by packing up those things I have hoarded, one corner at a time.
July 15, 2012